Welcome to the first installment of “If AEW Wrestlers Were Cereals” where I combine a couple of hobbies: cereal eating/reviews and professional wrestling. The premise is simple, I picked 18 AEW wrestlers and matched them to cereals I thought fit their characters and personalities. Without further ado, ring the bell and let’s get it going!
Samoa Joe and Cap’n Crunch go hand-in-hand. Joe is the captain of the ship as the current AEW Wold Champion. He’s a savvy veteran with a stout build and like Cap’n Crunch can tear up the roof of your mouth, Samoa Joe can rip any opponent to shreds.
Timeless Toni Stom and Life Cereal may seem like an odd pairing, but hear me out. What cereal is as timeless as LIFE? The cereal hasn’t aged in all these years, and you could indeed describe it as timeless, just like Toni.
Bryan Danielson as Grape Nuts – need I say more?
The current edition of The Elite (Mathew and Nicholas Jackson and Kazuchika Okada) are a powerful trio with a brand so powerful that it dominates globally. So what cereal trio is better to be than Rice Krispies’ Snap, Crackle and Pop?
Mercedes Mone’, the CEO, brings a big personality and a global brand. So, you’d assume I’d pick a flashy cereal to be her counterpart, I chose the No. 1 cereal seller globally, Cheerios. It’s untouchable and a leader among others. A true CEO of cereal.
Will Ospreay is the aerial assassin with infectious energy and athletic ability unmatched. When I think of those qualities and cereal, I automatically think of Tony the Tiger and Frosted Flakes. And like Frosted Flakes, this brub is f’n Grrreat!
Julia Heart is the princess of the black throne and keeper of secrets. Whatmore, she often overwhelms her opponents with mist, mind games and tricks. She’s no silly rabbit, but I’m pretty sure she has every color of mist to match the Trix cereal pieces.
Danhausen is very nice and very evil and to me he is very Count Chocula. Just look at him, what other cereal would you think of first when you see Danhausen? Maybe it’s the cape that really brings the two together?
We know whose house it is (Swerve’s house!) and just like Swerve is a household name in professional wrestling, it only makes sense that he’d be a household cereal like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Much like how the OG, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a classic household name, Thunder Rosa is one for AEW. But la mera mera brings some spice and edge to the ring with each and every opponent. So I’m going with Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros for her.
Harley Cameron as Cocoa Puffs, you know, because she’s cuckoo (don’t tell her I called her that though)
To me, when I think Darby Allin as a cereal I think of a sugar rush with as fast and reckless he operates in the ring. What comes to mind is Sugar Smacks with its mascot Dig’em.
Willow Nightingale is one-of-a-kind. A powerhouse with personality and positivity. You could say she’s a unicorn in the industry. Therefore, I chose Kellog’s Unicorn cereal for Willow.
Kris Statlander can be sweet and occasionally bubbly outside of the ring, but inside she’s pure power and grit. So when you think of a sweet cereal that’s rough and tough, but can pop with color, you have to think of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries
Orange Cassidy as Fruit Loops —need I say more?
Abadon is the living dead girl, so what better cereal for her to be than Carmella Creeper cereal, the cereal whose namesake is a zombie character.
I chose Golden Grahams for Deonna Purrazzo. The main reason is when I hear the words “Golden Grahams,” I think gold and I see gold in the future for The Virtuosa.
Skye Blue as Boo Berry, because, you know, she’s somewhat spooky and is also blue. I tell you, some of these just write themselves.
And that concludes my first edition of “If AEW Wrestlers Were Cereal.” There was no real scientific method used to choose which wrestlers and which cereals paired, other than my own opinion. There’s still plenty more talent on the AEW roster to match with cereals, so if you read this article, I’ll eventually do another.
The Cereal Aisle 